Seven Tips for Improving the World Cup

This World Cup is cool and all, but I think I have a few simple things that might improve the overall event.


1-Change the name from FIFA to “Das Boot.”
This is far more menacing and the Germans will be thrilled.

2-Let North Korea win.
Did you see those poor fellas? They have probably already been “reassigned” or “reeducated” and probably hit the free buffet harder than the rest of the teams combined. Maybe Kim Jong will be cool if he is drinking his virgin blood from a World Cup trophy?

3-Search for Jimmy Hoffa in Diego Maradona’s mullet.

Have you seen his mullet? Have you? He is a total mangod. That thing must weigh forty pounds, and coupled with the double diamond ear stud setup should be good for at LEAST a semi-final appearance. Viva Diego!!!

4-Start half of the games with penalty kicks(10 mins max) and then show the Brazilian crowd for the remainder of the 90 minutes.
Have you seen the Brazilian crowd? Have you seen the Brazilian women in the crowd, wink, wink. FAR more interesting than their team putting a beatdown on some hapless dictatorship.

5-Make all Euro teams play in Speedos.

Look, you Euro dudes have been subjecting us to your Speedo habits on American beaches for decades. We want payback. This is not okay.

6-Any player caught faking injury must sit in the opposing team’s fan section for remainder of the game.

Macho and faking don’t go together. Get up, put your cup on and stop crying.

7-Track down and destroy the inventor of the vuvuzela.

This device is pure evil and someone has to pay. My mute button has been permanently crushed into my controller and I want damages.

Implementing these seven simple things would dramatically improve the event and the viewing experience. Good luck FIFA. Oh, and if you need a camera phone for your instant replay let me know. You can borrow mine.

Le Futbol

I managed to not get hit in the head during this entire shoot. That was the goal. Get it? The goal? Get it? Okay, forget I said that. Light was not what I wanted, but sometimes you have to shoot when you have to shoot. These kids are wicked good. I would have blown a knee, ruptured a disc or just collapsed if I tried to do this. It was hard enough just bending down to get the low shots.

We didn’t have soccer when I was growing up, so it sure is nice to see these kids playing this truly global game.